5 things to tell your daughter

I have been having some worries recently about Scarlett being a teenage mum, in fact that is a lie- I have always thought she is going to become one. Sometimes we just have this feeling in the pit of our stomach and that is what is in the pit of mine.

She may be six now but I am going to blink and she will be 13 and interested in BOYS! I say that, but she has always been interested in boys, they have caught her eye ever since she was a baby.

Obviously it is because of her stunning looks that I gave her, blonde hair, blue eyes, sweet innocent looking face...

I am short, with black/brown/red/grey hair and brown eyes...

#'@#"££4 - PICTURE UNAVALIABLE - #**&*( - COMPUTER SAID NO _ @~'#'##'23%

Going on holiday with a child who looks nothing like you, and who has a different surname is an immigration nightmare -but we do have the same nose! (Don’t worry I have started saving up for her rhinoplasty already.)

So, due to me not wanting to be a grandmother by the time I am 40, I have come up with some things I am going to tell her when she becomes a teenager.

I will wake her up on the day she turns 13 with a smile and this list......Happy Birthday Baby!

I thought I would share them with you just in case you would like to share my pearls of wisdom...

You know nothing

Yes, I know we have had this argument ever since you were about two and you thought that you ruled the world like some kind of mini Mariah Carey, but I would like to inform you...YOU KNOW NOTHING. I love you but knowing who is number one in the charts (If it is called a chart now, I wrote this in 2016 so I am sure a lot will have changed, everything apart from YOU KNOW NOTHING.) You have so much to learn about life, there is so much to see and do. Travel, follow your dreams, discover who you are, live, laugh, love. YOU KNOW NOTHING, apart from that I love you unconditionally and I will keep you in pocket money until you are 30 if you don’t get pregnant when you are a teenager.

I mean proper pocket money, not the £1 that the tooth fairy gave you when your first tooth fell out when you were six. I can still see the disappointment on your face at the lack of money she had left. I told her off after that and she vowed to only leave paper money after that.
You did have a good argument when you said monopoly money was not real money but I think she got confused.

Meet Ann Summers, your best friend

I hope you have grown up feeling able to talk to me about anything, I have probably grossed you out so much about the topic of sex that you don’t want to go near a boy but just in case, I would like to introduce you to Ann Summers. While you are a bit young yet, I just want you to bare her in mind for when the time comes and a boy gives you a wink and a nudge. It will never be like he says it is. I don’t know what you will be taught in school, probably not a lot apart from what a condom looks like but it really will not be worth it. Do something better with your time like read a book or brush your teeth, just stay away from the boy because he is a liar. That is all I will say on the subject because at the time of writing this you are at Rainbows and playing happily like a little girl should, and that is all I want in my head right now.

Just remember Ann Summers.

Alcohol: Your friend and nemesis

Alcohol has always been around you, I have not been one of those parents who has ever hidden it from you. Why should I, it is not a bad thing....well, not always. I am still learning about alcohol, I am currently 26 and when you read this you I will be 33 and more than likely still learning. Unless I have become T-total. Hahahahahahahahaha, yeah right. I have had many an episode with alcohol, I could have even had my own TV show with all of the episodes I have had. They are all mostly fun, but you do have to beware – the demon drink can live up to being just that, a demon. You will have your own trials and tribulations with it over the next few years, I am not going to pretend that I think you will not touch alcohol until you are 18, unless that is your choice, but you are my daughter so I highly doubt that would cross your mind.

Though I can see us as being like Eddie and Saffy from ‘Absolutely Fabulous’ (Google it darling, or if Google is not around use whatever you can to find out about it. We may have gone back to pigeon mail so if that is the case go and get a pigeon), You would be all sensible and I would be strutting around swigging from a champagne bottle thinking I was still 26. I am quite the pro when it comes to alcohol so even if it is 3am in the morning and you are completely ratted, call me. I will send a taxi to come and get you. What? I will have been on the bubbles darling.

The best mantra to live by

‘Everything happens for a reason.’ If you apply that to every crappy thing that happens in your life, I guarantee you will feel better about everything.

You: ‘My dress for the school disco hasn’t arrived!’

Me: ‘What are we going to do about it?

You: ‘Well everything happens for a reason, so never mind. We can go into town and you can buy me a new one, along with a diamond necklace to make me feel better.’

Me: ‘Um, ok.’

I can’t guarantee the diamonds unless my career has panned out how I am hoping it will in my head. If it has then you will have a million dresses and anything you could ever want. Actually wait, I don’t want you to be even more of a spoilt brat so you can have 999,999 dresses and one diamond necklace as long as I can borrow it whenever I want.

If things haven’t panned out and we are living in a cardboard box then, well....’everything happens for a reason.’

Respect Johnny Depp

He is your idol, no arguments. YOU KNOW NOTHING.

Johnny Depp is an amazing actor, an amazing man and your father. I am just kidding, calm down. I am pretty sure that he would get a restraining order against me if I went anywhere near him, I just wanted to touch him a little bit but his security people were not too happy with that. I would be ok with just a little poke, just a little shove to let him know I am there, hopefully you have not opened this while I am in prison. If I am not then we will have a marathon Johnny Depp film day. We will watch anything and everything he has been in, including 21 Jump Street. He may have only been in it for about 5 minutes but he stole the film. Or was that me?

Again, I am not being serious, those days are behind me- which reminds me theft is not a good hobby to have when you are a teenager. Just a reminder. It will not look good on your CV.

Life lessons over, let’s go and party!

Happy birthday! xxx

Oh and just to embarrass you that little bit more...