Not so secret stalking...

I was reading an article in Essentials magazine today about secret stalking...

and I had an epiphany as I read other peoples tales of their secret stalking. From checking ex's Facebook accounts to checking out clients on LinkedIn, the tales could all have been written by me. 

These days it is far too easy to Google people and find out all sorts of information about them. I recently had a little stalking session on my own and realised as I read the above confessions, that may be why I am still waiting for a call from a guy who went on a business trip to 'Holland'. He said he would call me in a week, it's now been 5. 

On my first date with the above guy (I'm going to protect his identity, so I won't reveal his name. For the purpose of this blog, I'm going to call him Dick)...Dick, I confessed that I had Googled him. I knew he had 3 kids from Facebook and that he owned a business which I saw from his LinkedIn profile and I even told him I knew the name of his company. 

His face probably said it all, but I was on my second large glass of Pinot so I wasn't really aware of his expression. I just though I was being bold and by telling him to his face I had stalked him, and I also believed that it demonstrated that I was not to be messed with, as I could find things out about him. 

We went on a couple more dates and then Dick disappeared off to 'Holland.' I nearly text him and asked him when he was coming back so I could surprise him at the airport, but funnily enough, it seemed too stalky to do that. 

I don't feel like I did anything wrong by stalking him, I actually think that if you are going on a date with a guy you barely know then the safest thing to do is a bit of stalking- but I would advise against telling your date (or Dick), that you have done so. 

I'm one password away from setting up my LinkedIn profile and checking up on Dick anonymously, is that going too far? I don't think so, but nobody tell him. 

Shhhhhhh.... 

It's coming...

It's 8.15pm and the final rays of the sun are setting for the night. It's coming-autumn is coming, and the best thing about it...I can put Scarlett to bed at 7pm again! 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not glad that our abysmal summer is nearly over, but it does mean that I won't have the battle with Scarlett at bedtime which I have every night throughout the lighter months. 

Scarlett: 'I'm not going to bed because it's too bright.' 

Me: 'It's nearly 10pm Scarlett, it's bedtime.' 

Scarlett: 'Well, it's too bright so....no.' 

I did think about sticking some black bin liners over the bedroom windows but after careful consideration, I felt that it wasn't worth looking like we lived in a drug den- so the bedtime battle has become a fun (ha), nightly routine. 

She doesn't reserve her bedtime excuses for me though, she reiterates them to her Daddy too. Strangely, she doesn't really do it at my parents, but a stern look from my Dad is enough to make any child or adult retreat and wave a white flag. 

You can tell your which of your friends don't have children. The child free ones delight at long summer evenings, with beer and BBQ's on the beach, while us with kids beg the sun to go down just a little faster. 

There is nothing like a cosy October night in, kid(s) asleep shortly after 7pm and a hot chocolate (or wine), in hand. 

Come on Autumn- I'm ready and waiting for you. 

Check out my balls...

So, I have been on my health kick recently (ok for 2 days and this morning I ate pizza), but I am trying to be a bit healthier. 

I bought Madeleine's book in Sainsburys for £10.00 after reading a review about it in Simply Worthing and Adur magazine...

 

Yesterday I tried making cauliflower pizza as it was one of the easiest recipes...

Weird as it may seem, I hadn't ever bought or eaten cauliflower before. I struggled to understand how I was supposed to seperate the cauliflower from the surrounding leaves and threw it accross the kitchen in frustration. 

Composure regained, I blended the battered cauliflower as instructed. 

Have you ever blended cauliflower? Try it, It smells, really, really bad. 

Before I had even got to the second paragraph of the recipe, I knew that I was probably going to be making a call to Papa Johns about an hour later, but I plodded on. 

I didn't end up with a dough as the recipe suggested I should, but that could have been due to the fact that I didn't measure anything as I don't have any weighing scales and plus I didn't want to use too much quinoa flour as it's really expensive. 

When I took my 'pizza' out if the oven, instead of this...

I ended up with this...

Totally the same, right...? 

I had one bite and then it accidentally fell into the bin. I don't think a dog would have eaten it. 

But I am not a giver upper and I decided to turn my attention to balls-superfood chocolate balls! 

As there was no cooking involved, I was pretty optimistic, and I was right to be! 

They are supposed to look like that before you wonder, and they taste really yum. I even put peppermint extract in some of them because -who doesn't love minty chocolate balls? 

I am aware that making a couple of things from a cookery book does not equate to me being a kitchen domestic goddess, but maybe I can glow for a couple of days a week. 

Tonight I will be making orange duck with charted chicory...just kidding, I'm going to Mc Donald's. 

Get nakd...

I have just had a total body foodgasm and the best bit about it- I don't need to feel guilty at all. 

When I saw the nakd cocoa mint flavoured raw fruit and nut bar in my local greengrocers, I had to hold back from snatching it out if the cashiers hand while she was scanning it as I was so desperate to get my taste buds around it. 

My favourite thing in the world is mint chocolate, being on a diet, I've refrained from eating it- but now I don't have to! 

I thought the chocolate orange bar that nakd do was irresistible, but this mint one has just cranked things up a notch. 

Not only is the bar one of my 5 a day (I know, amazing right?!), but it also has just 135 calories in each bar. 

If you don't like the sound of a raw fruit and nut bar, I advise you to not knock it until you have tried it. 

Next time when you are out shopping, get naked- you won't regret it. 

Jodie Gibson's 30 second slim - level 2.

From doing Jodie's 30 second slim level 1 a while ago (ok, a few months ago- I know it's bad, my wobbly bits are even more wobbly since then),I knew as I put the workout DVD on that I would have to put my fat girl pants on, suck it up and get on with it. 

I had one minor setback- I had no dumbbells but it was all good as I improvised and used candles instead, which I figured was better than nothing. 

I find that with most workout DVD's, it helps if there is a nice trainer to focus on (I don't mean shoes), and Josie has a pretty fit trainer in all senses of the word. It just helps to help me keep focused and want to get off the sofa and push myself.

The workout is 20 minutes short. I say short as it was over before I knew it. There is a circuit which consists of 30 seconds of sweat followed by 30 seconds of active rest- be warned it's not really resting, it's just a bit less intense, but before I had time to groan it was into the next move. 

The killer move was the mountain climbers. It involves being in a plank position, then I brought my knee into my elbow, repeated with the other leg, then I brought my other knee into my chest and repeated with the other leg. - I've made it sound really complicated but it's not, it's actually quite enjoyable. 

'If your abs are not hurting, you are not working hard enough' said the trainer James. My abs are still burning, so I've patted myself on the back. 

There was one circuit which we repeated twice, I swear I was finished before I knew it and was disappointed as it had gone so quick- though I didn't put on the final level (3), as I'm saving that to look forward to (I'm not even being sarcastic), next week. 

Thank you Josie and James for another kick arse workout, see you next week! 

I cheated on my fiancée but Deidre said to keep quiet...

I was just reading the agony aunt page Dear Deidre in The Sun from 2 days ago (I'm a bit behind and I'm just catching up), when I came across this letter...

 

(Sorry, I circled it because I wanted to remind myself to blog about it, and because I was angry.) 

The letter to Deidre basically says that he has cheated on his fiancée with a prostitute on his stag do. He explains that he has been with his fiancée for 3 years, and says the only good thing about cheating on her is that 'any temptation (that) is put in front of me again, I will remember how awful I feel right now.' Well, that is a good thing isn't it mate?!  

More shocking than the stupid man that wrote this letter is Deirdre's response. 

Her advice is to NOT tell his fiancée that he has cheated on her. 

'...We all make mistakes, the important thing is to note them and move on. If you find it impossible to keep it in, offload it in confidence.' Hmm nice advice Deidre- not. 

Surely this poor woman deserves to know the truth before she promises to love, honour and obey, forsaking all others? 

I am gobsmacked that an agony aunt could advise him to keep quiet only for this woman to find out later down the line and divorce him because he kept it from her. 

Forgiving a fling on a stag do to me seems a lot easier to forgive than possibly years of lying. 

Besides if this guys mates know, it's only a matter if time before it gets out from one of them when they are drunk- possibly even at her own wedding. 

You have given rubbish and damaging advice Deidre. My advice (my Dear Rebecca column will be in a newspaper near you very shortly), is that it is far better to face the consequences now. This man/mouse should tell his fiancée the truth before it's too late and his dirty little secret destroys both of their lives. 

If they are meant to be together, than they will be, but taking away her choice of deciding if he is the one for her after he has cheated, just seems cruel. 

Pick up the balls that you left in Amsterdam mate and tell the woman you 'love' the truth. 

Oh and Deirdre, maybe it's time to hang up your agony aunt pen- but that's just my advice. 

Swing yourself slender - Empower DVD review...

I stood back and looked at the unfamiliar object in front of me, I had bought it in April and since then it had been out of the box a total of, erm, once. 

When I first bought the object (also know as a kettlebell), I promised myself that it would be my new best friend and that I would use it religiously. Turns out I'm not big on religion, or friends. 

But fear not my kettle friend for today it is you, me and the accompanying workout DVD which you came with when I bought you.

I'm going to give you the love that you deserve, just don't hurt me too much!

The Workout..... 

I didn't push myself too hard (stop with the chorus of 'you never do'), as I want to stick with this workout and not hate it, so today I decided to do the first part of the workout - Swing yourself slender, which is an 11 minute workout with the kettlebell. 

Once I'd completed the warm up and move onto the workout part, the instructor suggested adding more weight if you want to. 

The 2 different colour lower sections are weights that can be taken off or put back on to make the workout more intense. 

I worked out with just the top part which is a 5lb weight. I did try and add more but I skipped the instructions on how to put the weights back on, I can only blame myself as I wanted to get the workout over and done with. 

One word of advice when working with a kettlebell- make sure there is nothing around you, it's not called 'swing yourself fit' for nothing. 

I started off holding the kettlebell and moved my arms in a figure of eight, they were simple enough and can be fun if aeroplane noises are added (that maybe just me though, I'm easily amused). 

The next move was figure of eights (with optional aeroplane noises), with a circle over alternate knees. This move made my body connect with muscles that I didn't even know were there. 

Then I came a move called the the upright row, which is a simple but effective move if the throbbing in my arms was anything to go by. 

Next came the killer move, all workouts have at least one and this DVD was no different. Squat thrusts. 

I put the kettlebell on the floor in front of me, leant down and held the handle with my legs behind me, then I jumped forward, then stood up, did an few upright rows and repeated. 

After the 2nd time on this move, I felt like collapsing- but my motto is, if it hurts, then it's working. 

The instructor Gin (love her name), is smiley and encouraging throughout, and one look at her guns made me remember why I picked up a kettlebell in the first place. 

When rocking the baby (it's an exercise move, you don't require a baby to do this DVD), the instructor says 'This baby is going to sleep whether it likes it or not!' while vigorously rocking the kettlebell, which made me giggle, then I stopped because my and hurt. 

We shuffled next, which I enjoyed as it was nice and simple and then came my new favourite exercise move EVER...Shot put turn and hammer throw.

I held the kettlebell in one hand, swung it and myself around 360 degrees and then lifted the kettlebell to my shoulder where my other hand empty hand was waiting to push it back. 

I felt like an Olympian! It was so fun, I'm going to do it in my spare time. 

As the section I did was only 11 minutes long, I am now raring to complete the next section tomorrow but I mustn't get too enthusiastic as it was a miracle that I didn't break anything today! 

Stay tuned....

Jillian Michaels - banish fat, boost metabolism workout review...

No one should pick up a Jillian Michaels DVD without realising that you will quite literally work your arse off weather you like it or not (unless the DVD player mysteriously stoops working). 

If you are unaware of who she is, she is responsible for kicking the arses of The Biggest Loser contestants in America. With her, working out is no joke. She is full on and hardcore but if you stick with her, you will be shredded in no time. 

First up is the warm up, which consists of light cardio and dynamic stretching- which is basically moving stretches, static stretches while warming up are a no-no. 

Next was the hard part...

The cardio circuit which is the main work out, consists of seven 6 minute circuits. Each circuit is repeated twice, before moving onto the next one. 

First circuit- Kickboxing. My personal favourite. Speaks for it's self, there are punches and kicks. I find it's best to imagine someone you don't like while doing these moves as it tends to give you more power. 

Second circuit- We started with burpees, if you don't know what they are, you have obviously never done a workout before. In this section there is also the jab-cross-hop, 'if you want results, they don't come for free' chirps Jillian. At that moment, I agreed with her as I still felt pumped and strong. I made the mistake of thinking this workout was going to be easy. Boy, was I deluded. 

Third circuit - Started with butt kicks, by now I could feel that Jillian was well and truly kicking my wobbly butt. I was starting to get redder in the face and I was starting to hate her- in a nice way, like everyone loves to hate their trainer. There are roughly 5 exercises in each circuit- well I think, I couldn't really count while panting and trying to breathe.  

Fourth Circuit- Floor circuit, it was a welcome relief to hear I would be on the floor- ha, err no, this is a Jillian Michaels DVD. We started with mountain climbers- I don't think climbing an actual mountain would hurt as much as these do. Then Pipe crunches which are an exercise conducted on your back, but they are relentless- I heard my abs actually cry out. I regretted not hoovering before this circuit though as when I got back up, there were little bits of - well I'm not sure but, I'll be showering anyway so it's irrelevant. Just when I felt like giving up in this circuit Jillian pushed me and said 'You have no idea how strong you are until you try' - power through!  

Fifth Circuit- Back to kickboxing, different exercises but I found my motivation again as I love kickboxing. 

Sixth circuit- We began with jump squats- a killer, so I did squats without the jumping. Jillian said I could, so it's fine. By this point I was flagging and only half heartedly taking part. In my defence, my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest, so I assessed myself as a doctor would and just did a pathetic jog for this section. 

Seventh and final circuit- we started with mobiles (I think they were called, I was delerious by this point), which basically is where you jump and twist 180 degrees. I couldn't do another minute, so I'm not going to lie- I sat on the sofa. I know I'm not going to get ripped with that attitude but if I could just be a bit less wobbly when I run after my daughter, then I'll be happy. 

The last part of the DVD is a 5 minute cool down with stretches. I won't bore you, I'm sure you are aware of what stretching is. 

Now that I've finished I feel amazing, energised and strong. It's those little endorphins pumping again! 'I feel pretty, oh so pretty!' Well, I'm dripping with sweat but 'I feel good, na na na na na, knew that I would, na na na na na!' - or whatever the lyrics are.  

Jillian a parting words are 'we're going to see you tomorrow.' 

Erm, yeah- tomorrow it is (or maybe next week, when I have recovered.) 

Fit freak...

Doing fitness classes at home is a pain in the arse, actually scrap that, I never usually work hard enough to feel any pain anywhere. 

This evening I joined a friend in my first fitness class for well over a year and now, with a banana in hand, I feel empowered!

I feel revitalised, energised -like I could conquer the world! 

I'm inventing a new me...again. I've bought a fitness magazine and the diet really does start tomorrow. 

It should have today but as I had the intention of working out this evening, I have consumed...

• A bowl of coco pops 

• 3 chocolate fingers

• 6 Tuk biscuits 

• A 6 inch baguette with cheese and cream cheese 

• Half a tub of Pringles 

• A banana - in hand, not yet eaten. 

I can already see myself in a string bikini on a beautiful beach tutting at all of the people who claim they will 'start my diet after the holiday.' 

I feel bouncy and happy, those endorphins have well and truly kicked in! 

#happyfacehappyfacehappyface :) 

Right, I'm off for a bath, a read of this...

  

And then I am going to plan world domination- and it's all down to legs, bums and tums. 

Unsuitable men - apply here...

I have always been the dumper in my relationships, right back to when I was in primary school. I would agree to be a particular boys girlfriend, only to dump him when the school disco was over. 

Even when playing 'let's get married' in the playground, I would never actually make it to the alter and instead would find another boy to run off with-strangely the same thing happened in my adult life. A premonition maybe? 

I've never let myself get too attached to men, so imagine my horror when I became the dumped recently after letting my spinster guard down. 

At first I thought nothing of him, he came into the pub where I work and we started chatting. Turned out he was meeting Woman and it was their first date. She arrived 20 minutes later but his expression said it all when he went to the toilet- it wasn't going well. 

They left after one drink and that was that. I had a fleeting thought that It would be funny if he came back on his own- only for him to do just that an hour later. 

He said he didn't like her and couldn't stop thinking about me and asked for my number. I said yes without hesitation, it was a busy night and I didn't have time to mess around. Maybe that was my first mistake. 

We went on a date a few days later. The strap on my shoe broke as I was walking out of the door (a sign to stop and turn back maybe?) but when we hugged and laughed at my unfortunate fashion disaster, the ice broke and we relaxed. 

The whole night was spent drinking wine, laughing, shoe strap repairing, smashing glasses (first him, then me- too much wine perhaps?), and then the night was over. He went home alone and so did I. 

We texted a lot over the next few days and arranged another date, this time at mine. My second or is it third mistake? 

He woke me in the morning by stroking my back and whispered that he had to leave. I grunted (I'm not good with mornings), and said ok. 

By 7pm I hadn't heard from him, which was unusual as we had been speaking to each other pretty consistently throughout the previous days. A bit later I recieved a limp 'had a busy day xx' and replied 'I'm at work will text when I can. What are you upto tonight? Xx' 

I heard nothing for over 48 hours. I then text him and said 'I'm sorry if I did or said something to upset you. I guess this is goodbye.' 

Almost immediately he replied 'No, sorry honey. I'm away in Holland on business. I'll call you at the end of the week xx' 

That was nearly 3 weeks ago. I'm so annoyed that I let my guard down and let him know that I was keen. I never do that but there was something about him. 

I don't really understand why I took such a shine to him. For a start he was 21 years older than me, he has 3 kids and lives over half an hours drive away but, I just can't get over being rejected. 

I was a reject virgin, and now my virginity has been taken it is as disappointing as, well, having one's virginity taken. 

What is bugging me the most is how he was as hot as a volcano one minute, then colder than the iceberg that downed the Titanic. 

The shame is making me want to disappear off the face of the earth, mind you, I could just go to 'Holland' as that seems to work too.  

I'm currently reading a book called 'unsuitable men' by Pippa Wright...

Maybe my dating disaster was a learning curve and I should all be working my way through the wrong men before I find the 'right one', or even the just 'he'll do' one. 

When I upload my Plenty of Fish profile again (as I inevitably will as I have been off it for a record 3 months and I'm getting bored of being a spinster), my tag line will be 'Unsuitiable men- please apply here...' 

I wonder what kind of dirty messages the little fishes could come up with? 

Stay tuned. I'm going to live the unsuitable men dating experience for real- who am I kidding? I've already been doing it for years, I'm a pro! 

Scarlett's blog 16.8.15

I'm sure you have already been told of my recent humiliation from Mother, but just in case you missed it- I had nits 

I must stress the HAD part, as I am happy to declare that I am now nit free. 

Not a nasty nit or egg has been sighted in days. Mind you it's a wonder that I have any hair left, the amount the Mother has been tugging at it. 

She cheered every time she pulled an egg out and seemed disappointed when she couldn't find any tonight. 

She could be on CSI (I know about that programme because I caught her dribbling all over one of the blokes the other week. I was bored at bedtime and sneaked up on her), she went through my hair one strand at a time. I hope I don't get them again because she seemed to revel in it too much. 

I'm not too sure how I got them in the first place. I don't usually play with girls when I'm out, the boys usually latch onto me, but this crafty little female showed me her Elsa top so I followed her around plotted how to steal it off her. 

The deceitful girl hugged me and gave me her friends. I'm not saying nits are sexist but, it's usually us females that bear the brunt of the mites. We can't just shave our hair off, we would look horrific! 

However, while having my hair ripped out a couple of days ago, I had a lightbulb moment regarding what I want to be when I'm older- I want be an actress. 

I told Mummy and she said she would look into some classes. I would have been waiting until I was 30 for her to pull her finger out, so I went to Grandma instead. She said the best way to start was to dance first and booked me in for ballet and tap next week, if I like it them Grandma said we will look at acting classes. I need flare Grandma said, so flare she will get. Sassy Scarlett will be born. 

I've explored other job options such as a vet but Mummy said that I shouldn't pursue that career as I stamped on a snail and laughed the other day. 

She also commented that I shouldn't work in the medical profession as slapping her bum and calling her fat does not qualify me as a doctor. 

So watch out for me, I'm coming to a screen near you soon...

That's me method acting, being a cow. 

I've got this acting malarkey down to a moo. 

Ban the talk on the ban on smoking in pub gardens...

Reading about the potential ban on smoking in pub gardens is making me want to puff away more furiously than ever before. 

In today's The Sun, Duncan Stephenson of The Royal Society for Public Health (RSPH) agreed that there should be a ban on smoking in beer gardens. 

His first paragraph states 'Smokers should vape and drink, not smoke and stink.' 

Vape? No, thanks. In August 2014 the World Health Organisation (WHO) recommended that e-cigarettes should be banned indoors because they omit chemicals potentially as dangerous as cigarettes and have a potential passive smoking risk. Fancy me vaping next to you now Mr Stephenson? 

Not enough research has been completed yet on the long term effects of vaping and e-cigarettes, so if its all the same to you, I'm going to carry on smoking my real disgusting cigarette outside in the pub garden - because that's where you pushed me out to in 2007. 

The RSPH '...want to see exclusion zones outside places where you can currently light up - such as pubs and bars, and schools and parks. The latter I agree with but if I want to go outside a bar for a cigarette at 1am and chat to some new friends, while all of the non-smokers are still dancing the night away, then what is the problem? 

Mr Stephenson also chirps 'Banning smoking outside these venues will also make smoking a cigarette less visible, and hopefully discourage young people from taking up the habit in the first place.' Does he not read anything other than his own bent views? More children than ever have been experimenting with e-cigarettes according to a survey by NetCen Social Research published in July 2015. 

Pubs suffered hugely when the indoor smoking ban was introduced in 2007 and still even now there are 29 pubs a week closing their nicotine stained doors. 

I agree with the indoor ban, I work in a pub and I remember how unpleasant it was when I was able to sit and smoke in a pub. After initially groaning at the thought of going outside to smoke, it did make me more social. 

Smoking areas are a great way to meet new friends, and men. Dating sites? No thanks, I'll just pop to my local and get chatting to a nice fella in the smoking area (unless he is a non smoker- if he is then why is he in my area?). 

There have been comments from people on various sites about this topic and smoking around food has come up a lot. 

If you are in an enclosed space and wish to eat your food without breathing in second hand smoke, then I suggest you go back inside. We graciously go outside to smoke in all weathers as you non smokers insisted, so let me enjoy my wine and ciggy in peace. 

I don't need you huffing and puffing (my second hand smoke), at me - if you go outside, then expect to seem me there with my packet of over-priced cigarettes, which I will light up as and when I please.  

Talking of which, I am currently sitting in the library next to an annoying child chattering away (not my own), about unicorns, ice cream and dog poo (Goodness knows what she is reading, but I think it should be banned). So now I am going to the pub next door, cigarettes in hand where the glorious pub garden awaits my smoky presence- and if you don't like it, stay inside.

'My children blight my marriage.'

The above headline is an article which was in the Daily Mail yesterday, which has left me with such anger and bitterness towards a woman that I didn't even know existed until yesterday. 

Basically, she is having a grumble that her kids have taken over her life and marriage. She has an 11 year old girl and 14 year old boy, hardly incapable of looking after themselves, but I'll take you through the article and you can make your own mind up.  

She begins by being peeved that her 11 year old gets into her bed after a bad dream - damn that little girl for wanting some affection from her Mother. 

She then says that she can't remember the last time she snuggled up to her husband or held his hand. I would say that it's her that needs to make a bit more effort then. She has a teenager and a pre teen so they are hardly demanding toddlers. She should go for a walk, pop the reigns which she has on her children into one hand and the other she can join with her husbands. Magic!

'The problem is our children are our constant companions.' Bloody flesh and blood getting in the way again and starting family rifts. Her children should be ashamed of themselves. Mind you, I am worried about them. Why are they not locked in their rooms screaming 'I hate you!' While listening to heavy metal?  She must be going wrong somewhere in this parenting malarkey. 

'Luke (her husband) and I have our own childhood issues- my husband's parents were died in a car crash when he was eight, while I went to boarding school from the age of 11. We want to stay close to our children.' But not too close as to block her from snuggling with her husband. Though, boarding school does seem like the best compromise if they are 'blighting' her marriage. 

'We love them hugely and my life would be incomplete without our children, but since we've had them, they have taken over our lives, sometimes to the detriment of our relationship.' I find it hard to believe that when this woman had the amazing miracle of pregnancy bestowed upon her, she didn't stop and think 'Ah, now I must think carefully about this. This is a life changing decision and this little pea will be peeing me off for the rest of my life. Do I really want this or should me and hubby just have fabulous holidays like we do now?' She discusses her holidays, pre-children, but I'm not going into it. It's pointless, they are a distant memory for her now and I don't want to upset her even more by reminding her about how much easier things were before she had her kids. 

'Our children spill over into all aspects of our lives...'

'Our philosophy is that we want them to feel secure and loved, so that they will grow into confident adults, but that's been at the expense of any dividing line between their world and ours.' Well I hope her children are unable to read, because if my Mother had written this, I would feel far from secure. I would feel like she had just pushed me off the top of a bridge without a harness to save me. 

Kate then carries on about only having a handful of nights away from her children. Again, I feel that looking at boarding school options may relieve her of this problem. 

'This isn't how I imagined my life with my husband to be.' I can picture her writing that scentence, fanning away the tears as her children chuckle away to themselves as they lay in her bed, after having 'bad dreams'. 

'Although now it's easier now that the children are older, it still feels as though they need constant care and attention.' Yes my dear, that is because (as you stated) they are CHILDREN. It's odd that they don't snap into adults the moment they turn ten. They should have moved out and got steady jobs by then surely? 

Her final paragraph...'Ideally, we would have three child-free days a month to remember that we are not just parents to out children, but a man and a woman in a loving relationship.' Parents don't get days off (unless you are a single parent, but as she wants more snuggles, I won't advise her to split up with him- though she would get her child free days), it seems as though this woman made a decision to have children which now with hind sight, may not have been the best option for her. 

She said she loved them in one paragraph and then groaned that they have taken over her life in another. What did she expect?! 

All I took from her 'article' is that she needs to talk to someone professional. She is not going to wake up one day and her children will be independent. I lean on my parents daily, as I expect my daughter to because I am her Mother and that is what I am there for. 

I am adopted, my parents were not lucky enough to be blessed with children of their own so they got me (they did look at boarding school options for a while but I promised to stop with the heavy metal music and they were fine). What about the parents who will never be able to have 'child-free days' because they have disabled children. At least one day her children will be independent, some parents have to accept the reality that their children will be living at home for the rest of their lives- be that of the child or the parents. 

Being a parent is for life, maybe she should have thought about that before snuggling her husband in the first place.

 

Cull the gulls...

Let me set the scene...

A lone woman walks through a busy town centre merrily munching her way through a sandwich, she can feel a presence from both above and behind but carrys on regardless. Then, without warning something pushes her from behind and a heavy webbed foot lands on her right shoulder. She turns her head and is greeted by menacing yellow eyes. A sharp beak snaps close to her sandwich holding hand, she screams and runs into the nearest bus shelter while shoveling the remains of her sandwich into her mouth. 

No, the above is not a scene from Alfred Hitchcock's new movie 'The Birds 2', the above is the real (ok, slightly embellished), truth. It happened to me a few weeks back, but that's not the only time I have nearly lost my finger/life to a manic seagull. 

I was having lunch outside a cafe 2 months ago (rookie mistake), when one of the little blighters flew down, grabbed my panini, then swallowed it in one unbelievable mouthful- all while giving me a webbed finger as I watched in disbelief. 

Then, 2 days ago I was walking down the road eating a baguette, when again I was swooped upon and nearly had my head taken off. 

I am not even exaggerating (much), seagulls have mutated from when I was younger. They are now almost human size and are taking over my town and they scare the absolute bejesus out of me. 

You take your life into your hands if you dare so much as to eat a smartie in front of one of them, and the pigeons are getting cockier too- but at least we can get out own back and eat them. 

Why are seagulls protected?! There's enough of them around for goodness sake. Think about all of the meat there is on one of them, they could feed a family of 4 for weeks. 

How about instead of a turkey for Christmas this year, we all eat seagull? 

There is pictures on the internet of them eating rabbits and sheep (ok, maybe not sheep- but it won't be long before they are big enough to eat them), and now they are attacking dogs and children. Something needs to be done. 

I'm not for animal violence, but I fear that if one gets too close to me I may punch it. Then he will get all of his mates on me and peck me to death. Though, saying that, I haven't punched a thing in my life (apart from the air when I'm doing one of my workout DVD's on January 1st, even then I do more damage to myself than the air), and if I did make contact with said giant bird, it probably wouldn't feel it. 

I'm going to work on my seagull based recipies to send to David Cameron and Masterchef, along with a bit of history... Henry VIII used to eat swans (I saw it in The Tudors, so it must be true), so who is going to miss a few seagulls from dive bombing everyone who walks out of Gregg's? 

And why do they have red on their beaks? Is it blood from their victims? 

It's happened...

After dodging the little blighters for nearly 6 years, it's happened. Scarlett has got nits. 

I just received a text from her Dad informing me of the above fact and also stating that I need to check my hair- great. 

Though what is great, is that he has her for the next 2 days so it will be a lovely Daddy, daughter, nit bonding time. 

The last time I had nits I was 19 and pregnant. I hugged some girl from school when I was out, I didn't particularly like her and I may or may not have made fun of her once and I have no idea why I hugged her- actually I believe It was called Kama, in nit form. 

It's so annoying that my phone keeps auto correcting nit to bit, it's like it's telling me that it doesn't want them either. 

My head is starting to itch and I don't know if it's because of phantom nits or actual ones. I best go check.....

10 minutes later....

I can't see any but that means nothing, my hair is practically black (with streaks of grey) but I'm going to buy some of that nit lotion pronto. 

It's not all bad news though- I'm going to be the new Bridget Jones...big pants included. 

I've been offered a journalism apprenticeship which I start next month. I'm beyond excited, but this does mean that it is time to grow up. 

I need to stop going out and acting like a teenager. I now have a lump on my left ankle the size of a tennis ball from going over in my ridiculous heels last night. I'm limping like an official old hag- Sexy, no wonder I'm a spinster. 

Right, I need to put some lotion on my hair, this itching is driving me mad. Oh, and to all of my friends reading this....sorry, you might want to check your hair :/