A lone woman walks through a busy town centre merrily munching her way through a sandwich, she can feel a presence from both above and behind but carrys on regardless. Then, without warning something pushes her from behind and a heavy webbed foot lands on her right shoulder. She turns her head and is greeted by menacing yellow eyes. A sharp beak snaps close to her sandwich holding hand, she screams and runs into the nearest bus shelter while shoveling the remains of her sandwich into her mouth.
No, the above is not a scene from Alfred Hitchcock's new movie 'The Birds 2', the above is the real (ok, slightly embellished), truth. It happened to me a few weeks back, but that's not the only time I have nearly lost my finger/life to a manic seagull.
I was having lunch outside a cafe 2 months ago (rookie mistake), when one of the little blighters flew down, grabbed my panini, then swallowed it in one unbelievable mouthful- all while giving me a webbed finger as I watched in disbelief.
Then, 2 days ago I was walking down the road eating a baguette, when again I was swooped upon and nearly had my head taken off.
I am not even exaggerating (much), seagulls have mutated from when I was younger. They are now almost human size and are taking over my town and they scare the absolute bejesus out of me.
You take your life into your hands if you dare so much as to eat a smartie in front of one of them, and the pigeons are getting cockier too- but at least we can get out own back and eat them.
Why are seagulls protected?! There's enough of them around for goodness sake. Think about all of the meat there is on one of them, they could feed a family of 4 for weeks.
How about instead of a turkey for Christmas this year, we all eat seagull?
There is pictures on the internet of them eating rabbits and sheep (ok, maybe not sheep- but it won't be long before they are big enough to eat them), and now they are attacking dogs and children. Something needs to be done.
I'm not for animal violence, but I fear that if one gets too close to me I may punch it. Then he will get all of his mates on me and peck me to death. Though, saying that, I haven't punched a thing in my life (apart from the air when I'm doing one of my workout DVD's on January 1st, even then I do more damage to myself than the air), and if I did make contact with said giant bird, it probably wouldn't feel it.
I'm going to work on my seagull based recipies to send to David Cameron and Masterchef, along with a bit of history... Henry VIII used to eat swans (I saw it in The Tudors, so it must be true), so who is going to miss a few seagulls from dive bombing everyone who walks out of Gregg's?
And why do they have red on their beaks? Is it blood from their victims?
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