So I have devised a few tips. They are to be taken very seriously and are to be completed before you resort to more extreme measures such as scrubbing the toilet with his toothbrush (hehe, yes I'm immature.)
For legal reasons, I cannot disclose what other measures I have taken after my relationships have broken down but unfortunately (pah!) I have stooped to lower (but totally hilarious) levels.
How to fall out of love...
When you are still just about talking (e.g before you have blocked then on Facebook, Twitter and anything else you can block them on.)
• Make your point and don't listen to their side. Everything is their fault.
•Throw things in their face that they have done over the course of your relationship, including that crappy Birthday present (or in my case, the non existent one. Not even a bloody card.)
• Stay strong and don't cry or reach for the wine (once he las left, then you can open the wine and have a pity party.)
• Divide your things and give them anything that reminds you of them. The Frankie says relax T-shirt is not worth the pain- let it go. (Warning - you will find their stray socks for months afterwards. Bin them ASAP, do not sniff them.)
• Send one last message confirming your position (do not assume the position and ask him to come round one last time while you are starkers. There is no need for break up sex, you will have a shameful one night stand to fulfil this need) and block him on everything possible.
Once blocked...
• Get the girls round ASAP (decent friends will bring copious amounts of wine- remind them of that fact.)
• Write a list of things you hate about your ex including the fact that they used to laugh when they farted... Write immature next to that.
• Put a picture of their face on a dartboard and throw darts or knives at it but have an ambulance on speed dial.
• Ask a friend to delete all evidence of your life together from your phone and house as they won't keep a sneeky picture for the 'memories' but do have some respect and delete the dirty ones yourself (don't post them as revenge porn, even if they have a cocktail sausage as the police will come knocking.)
• Do not watch Bridget jones or sex and the city, Magic Mike is what you need at this time or a good gory murder film.
• Did I mention wine? But a decent wine glass and enjoy a bottle (s).
When you are on your own and the 2 day hangover has subsided...
• Buy a decent vibrator and a stack of erotic novels.
• Buy some cocktail sausages and laugh at the memories they bring back and bite down on them...HARD.
• Vow to start an epic diet and buy an exercise DVD. Promise yourself that you will do it at least once a day until you get your dream body (you will last approximately 12 hours into your diet and do 2 minutes of the DVD but it's the effort of buying it that counts.)
• Have a 2 hour bath and thank the almighty that you will not be interrupted by someone needing the toilet. (Unless you have a small child.)
• Focus on you and your dreams what do you want? Always wanted to be a sex chat operator? You go girl! (Just me?)
• Most importantly remember that everything happens for a reason, oh and never buy £1.00 batteries, Duracell use a bunny to advertise their product for a reason ;)
• Ahh and relaxxxxxxx...
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