Practicing mindfulness...

It's 11pm, I am sat in the pitch black, alone in my garden which is eerily quiet. 

I considered doing this naked, but after putting the rational part of my brain into gear- I remembered that my garden is overlooked by quite a few houses and I don't want to be questioned by the police in the nude. 

Breathe- in for 6 seconds - hold for 6 seconds- breathe out for 8. Ah, messed that up already...

Breathe- in for 6 seconds- hold for 2- breathe out for 8- repeat. 

Calm is slowly being restored to my aching brain..breathe. 

Voices are getting closer, it's the drunks from town making their way to my back alley (not a euphemism). 

Right, be mindful. Hmm, was commenting on the drunks mindful? Well, I didn't write anything insulting so it was merely a comment. 

Stop getting distracted...be aware of what is going on around you, night birds chattering, the trees blowing in the wind and the rain. Rain? It has started raining. 

Great, bring the washing and loungers in, drop lounger on foot- be mindful, don't use bad language, and...the moment has gone. 

I'm back in my reality with a throbbing foot. Bugger it, I will be mindful tomorrow. 

Ketchup Queen...

I am the ketchup Queen, ask any of my friends or family and they will tell you that I go through a bottle a week.  

I even applied to go on 'come dine with me' and had a whole ketchup inspired menu ready to cook for my guests. Surprisingly, they didn't go for it. My entertainment was going to be a dance to the ketchup song, who wouldn't want to see that?! 

That £1000 was mine, they just couldn't stand that it would be the most epic episode ever and feared the whole of channel 4 would collapse. 

Anyway, I'm over that now, but I recently realised that my ketchup habit was costing me a pretty pound, so I decided to try supermarket own brand ketchup.

If you are a devoted ketchup fan- such as myself, you may recoil in horror, however times are tough and we are all making cut backs where we can. 

This is Asda's own 36p ketchup...

And I have to say, it is actually rather tasty. Chuck it in a branded bottle and no one would be any the wiser (like those people who scoff at sparkling wine, but hand them a glass and tell them it's champagne and it's 'divine darling!') 

So, if you are pinching the pennies (to save up for sparkling wine) try your local supermarkets own brand products- you might just be surprised. 

Now, where is my champagne glass so I can pour in my Lambrini? 

'Smile love, it might never happen!'

When I heard the above scentence being bellowed accross the street in my direction this morning, there were 2 words that I MIGHT have wanted to thrown back in his unshaven face, but I merely smiled back at the beer swigging 'gentleman' and carried on my 'miserable' way. 

Who came up with that insulting sentence in the first place? Who on earth walks the streets with a permanent smile on their face?! For all he knew I had just buried my cat. 

I was in actual fact very happy as I was making my way to McDonald's. Sorry Sir for not smiling gleefully at the time, but I was rushing as I only had 5 minutes until breakfast ended. 

That look on my face was determination, not disdain at the fact that 'it MIGHT never happen'. 

I do wonder what the man who made the above statement, thought won't ever happen for me? 

Things that 'might never happen' for me: 

• Johnny Depp MIGHT not ever declare his undying love for me. 

• I MIGHT not ever win the lottery (it MIGHT help if I bought a ticket). 

• I MIGHT not be living on a tropical island this time next year

• I MIGHT not make it into 'Come dine with me' with my ketchup inspired menu (but I will keep trying). 

• I MIGHT not do my washing up for the 3 day in a row (I've got plenty of paper plates), perhaps I MIGHT not do my washing up ever again! (Don't worry Mum, I'm joking, you don't need to come round and do it for me.) 

• I MIGHT not have any more MIGHT not's but maybe I MIGHT.

So, please don't tell me that it MIGHT not ever happen, as with all things in life- the possibilities are MIGHTLESS. Don't limit me. 

...Look, a winking cat- bet you thought that MIGHT never happen. 

Arundel Jailhouse- my time in the cells...

So, on Saturday I found myself locked up again through no fault of my own. 

I'm not shifting the blame, I was in Arundel Jailhouse as a tourist to learn about the dark and creepy tales contained within its walls. 

Me, Scarlett and my friends (better include them incase they read this!) entered through an innocuous looking door into the candlelight. There were also 2 teenagers that entered with us, they initially mistook me for the tour guide and tried to hand me their money! I know I look scary, but I was a tad insulted. 

My daughter Scarlett's first words once we were in the  entrance to the jail were:

'I don't like it, I'm scared.' 

To which I replied (as any good mother would)...

'You said you are a big 5, it's not real, you'll be fine.' 

Though I did squeeze her tightly as we shuffled through another door into a room which had cells on the right illuminated by a gloomy red light. 

We were then taken into a room and shown a video, which told us of the ghosts around Sussex while banging and scratching noises echoed around us. 

We put our hands on a table with 2 candles on it as instructed and summoned the 'Grey Lady', while all nervously giggling (or was that just me?) 

We were then escorted into the main body of the jail where the cells are. A rocking chair in the middle if the room began to sway and I squeezed my eyes shut for a second. See no evil, hear no evil, go away Grey lady (if we had summoned Mr Grey, then he would have been welcome to follow me around). 

Our tour guide (dressed in a brown cloak) took us back to a time to when crooks, thieves and murderers were thrown into Arundel Jailhouse to await their fate.

Perhaps we might bump into the 'Grey Lady' the 'one armed man' or 'The lovers', all of whom sounded interesting- but I didn't want to see them in the flesh, or the spirit. 

Me and Scarlett sat in the one armed man's cell alone with the 2 teenagers. It was silent until...the ladle on the dimly lit wall started moving, and an arm under a table began wiggling. 

Thankfully, our guide returned and took us to solitary confinement (then I was not so thankful) and the door was closed. After being told about the history embedded in the walls (there are scratches down the walls from prisoners desperately trying to scratch their way out), there was one last scream which reverberated through the cell and something fell next to my feet (don't ask me what it was, once the door was opened - I was off) and we made our way back to the enterance. 

Arundel Jailhouse is a unique attraction, which enables you to really experience a piece of history for a incredibly reasonable price, which is rare these days. 

Adults (13 or over) £5.00

Students and concessions £4.00

Children £3.00 (the jailhouse is not suitable for babies and toddlers.) 

Tours are on Saturdays from 12pm until 6pm and run on the hour and half past the hour. Each tour takes about 20 minutes. 

The only downside is that I wished it was longer however the jailhouse also has comedy nights and blues nights, so it won't be long until I'm back inside again.

For more information log onto:

www.arundeljailhouse.co.uk

365 days of fun, days 15, 16 and 17...

What have I let myself in for?! It's actually really hard to not think of repetitive things to do! 

Ok, day 15...

We made a candle garden jar. In essence, it's a candle in a jar with stickers on it. Scarlett made the candle too a few weeks ago at Weld and Downland open air museum (it's not a really bent one that I bought from a shop, else I would take it back!) 

Day 16...

We wrote fan mail! 

We watched Edward Sissorhands and Scarlett didn't like it when people were mean to him, so wanted to send him a card. I'm going to write a covering letter so we don't look too crazy, though the chances of Johnny Depp seeing it are slim to none, I don't want him to think I'm bat sh*t crazy if he does decide to knock at my door (I can dream). I have the address for his agency in America, fingers crossed we get a response! 

Day 17...

Dancing in the bath. I put on some music (I say some but it was one song 'Happy' in repeat) and Scarlett danced, I even wiggled my bum a bit too (shh, don't tell anyone!) 

Scarlett's blog 26.6.15

Sorry it's been a while since I last communicated with the outside world, but I was silenced by Mother as she wouldn't give me her phone. 

Don't tell her, but I have sneaked off with it and she's currently turning the house upside down looking for it - haha!

So, let's get you up to date...I am a big 5 now and Mummy says it won't be long until I'm 6, so I have to stop asking her to do stuff for me. I asked her to get me dressed this morning and she said:

'Do it yourself!' 

Well, she's going to be a bit redundant if I don't use her as a slave isn't she?! 

I have recently discovered that though she is an ok slave, she is not a very good detective. I hid the TV remote 2 weeks ago and for the life of me, I don't know where I put it. Mummy can't find it either and has been subjecting me to 'game nights'. #smileyface #nosmileyface

She is so enthusiastic when we start a board game, then halfway through, her face darkens and by the end of it she has stormed off after throwing a 'well done' in my direction. 

Her other new 'thing' (it's a different experiment she attempts every week. The diet and no wine ones are going really well apparently - I don't believe that for a cats whisker) is to do something different every day. 

Be it, going for a walk in the woods after school (she said there were trolls and we had to run. She thought it was fun, I was terrified) or going for a bike ride (though that was a disaster too as my stabiliser came off and Mummy had to push my bike home, and was muttering the whole way back), she's attempting to make more effort with me instead of plonking me in front of the TV. 

Not that the TV is any good anymore, turns out hiding the remote was a bad idea and blank screens are no fun. 

Well I best dash as it's Monopoly time again...when will she learn that I'm a winner, not a loser?! 

Gangster Granny vs Porn- David Walliams book review

After growing tired of my Mummy porn collection (which is basically a novel with a bit of bonking, a fantasy man and a half naked person on the front with their lips slightly parted), I decided to go to the other end of the book scale...children's books. 

Now, we all know David Walliams is a funny man, so branching out into children's books was always going to be a winner. 

'Gangsta Granny' tells the story of Ben, his boring Granny and a lot if cabbage. 

Stuck with Granny every Friday night, is the lowlight of his week until he comes across a tin of jewels in his Granny's kitchen. 

Ben's cabbagy Gran tells Ben she stole the jewels and was an international jewel theif. 

Thrilled that his Grandma has more to her than the stench of cabbage and a fondness of Scrabble, they plan the ultimate heist. 

What could possibly go wrong?! 

The book is thoroughly entertaining for young and old alike (even Granny's) and has a poignant message at the end. 

Hurrah to all the 'Gangsta Granny's!' If you are stuck for your next book to read, try David Walliams on for size, I guarantee you will enjoy it (and so would he! - Damn, there's the Mummy porn bit creeping in- so crude.)