How do I get a baby?

Children come out with the most random things at the most random times. Today Scarlett decided to ask me how she can get a baby when we were sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner.

Aside from being annoyed because I had to put down my knife and fork while I thought of a suitable explanation for the baby thing (I hate being interrupted while I am eating), it also made me realise how one day I was going to have to explain to her what the real deal is with sex.

For now though I settled on saying that babies come from special cuddles between a boy and a girl. Satisfied with that answer she then asked sensibly: ‘What if I don’t want to have a baby?’

I said to her - with more force than intended: ‘You both make sure that you protect yourselves!’

Then I added that there was a lot more to life than having babies and she should live her dreams first before she worried about anything like that. For effect I added there is a lot of puke and poo involved with babies and then I offered her a biscuit. She skipped off biscuit in gob and I grabbed my laptop to Google what I should tell my six-year-old about sex.

I will make sure she is well informed on the matter in time but at this age it all feels a bit too soon. I intend to put her off ever having sex with what I tell her and show her. If I was the Prime Minister I would make sure that an episode of one born every minute would be shown in schools everyday for girls from age 12. I bet teenage pregnancies would drop significantly.

Back to Google and there are 163,000,000 hits for ‘What to tell a six year old about sex’. I would say I was open mouthed at that figure but that could be misconstrued, so I will just say I was shocked.

Babycentre.com advice is for parents to be calm and relaxed when talking about sex. Ok, fine all good on that front. Then further down the page it says: ‘Many adults feel awkward talking about sex with their child because they don't have much practice doing it and because they're afraid of telling too much once a discussion gets going.’

That is my biggest fear, telling her too much so that the next day she walks into school like some mini sex guru. I can just imagine being dragged to the headmistress and her demanding to know why Scarlett can describe the ins and outs of the male and female body.

I am still mortified about the time when I had to go and speak to her nursery because she was getting the other children to pull down the trousers and pants in the playhouse. And people wonder why I worry about her being a teenage mother.

Thankfully she is now asking about where doughnuts come from and there have been no more questions about babies, but I still have 162,999,999 sites to go through to make sure I don’t psychologically damage my child when it comes to sex.