Fit freak...

Doing fitness classes at home is a pain in the arse, actually scrap that, I never usually work hard enough to feel any pain anywhere. 

This evening I joined a friend in my first fitness class for well over a year and now, with a banana in hand, I feel empowered!

I feel revitalised, energised -like I could conquer the world! 

I'm inventing a new me...again. I've bought a fitness magazine and the diet really does start tomorrow. 

It should have today but as I had the intention of working out this evening, I have consumed...

• A bowl of coco pops 

• 3 chocolate fingers

• 6 Tuk biscuits 

• A 6 inch baguette with cheese and cream cheese 

• Half a tub of Pringles 

• A banana - in hand, not yet eaten. 

I can already see myself in a string bikini on a beautiful beach tutting at all of the people who claim they will 'start my diet after the holiday.' 

I feel bouncy and happy, those endorphins have well and truly kicked in! 

#happyfacehappyfacehappyface :) 

Right, I'm off for a bath, a read of this...

  

And then I am going to plan world domination- and it's all down to legs, bums and tums. 

Unsuitable men - apply here...

I have always been the dumper in my relationships, right back to when I was in primary school. I would agree to be a particular boys girlfriend, only to dump him when the school disco was over. 

Even when playing 'let's get married' in the playground, I would never actually make it to the alter and instead would find another boy to run off with-strangely the same thing happened in my adult life. A premonition maybe? 

I've never let myself get too attached to men, so imagine my horror when I became the dumped recently after letting my spinster guard down. 

At first I thought nothing of him, he came into the pub where I work and we started chatting. Turned out he was meeting Woman and it was their first date. She arrived 20 minutes later but his expression said it all when he went to the toilet- it wasn't going well. 

They left after one drink and that was that. I had a fleeting thought that It would be funny if he came back on his own- only for him to do just that an hour later. 

He said he didn't like her and couldn't stop thinking about me and asked for my number. I said yes without hesitation, it was a busy night and I didn't have time to mess around. Maybe that was my first mistake. 

We went on a date a few days later. The strap on my shoe broke as I was walking out of the door (a sign to stop and turn back maybe?) but when we hugged and laughed at my unfortunate fashion disaster, the ice broke and we relaxed. 

The whole night was spent drinking wine, laughing, shoe strap repairing, smashing glasses (first him, then me- too much wine perhaps?), and then the night was over. He went home alone and so did I. 

We texted a lot over the next few days and arranged another date, this time at mine. My second or is it third mistake? 

He woke me in the morning by stroking my back and whispered that he had to leave. I grunted (I'm not good with mornings), and said ok. 

By 7pm I hadn't heard from him, which was unusual as we had been speaking to each other pretty consistently throughout the previous days. A bit later I recieved a limp 'had a busy day xx' and replied 'I'm at work will text when I can. What are you upto tonight? Xx' 

I heard nothing for over 48 hours. I then text him and said 'I'm sorry if I did or said something to upset you. I guess this is goodbye.' 

Almost immediately he replied 'No, sorry honey. I'm away in Holland on business. I'll call you at the end of the week xx' 

That was nearly 3 weeks ago. I'm so annoyed that I let my guard down and let him know that I was keen. I never do that but there was something about him. 

I don't really understand why I took such a shine to him. For a start he was 21 years older than me, he has 3 kids and lives over half an hours drive away but, I just can't get over being rejected. 

I was a reject virgin, and now my virginity has been taken it is as disappointing as, well, having one's virginity taken. 

What is bugging me the most is how he was as hot as a volcano one minute, then colder than the iceberg that downed the Titanic. 

The shame is making me want to disappear off the face of the earth, mind you, I could just go to 'Holland' as that seems to work too.  

I'm currently reading a book called 'unsuitable men' by Pippa Wright...

Maybe my dating disaster was a learning curve and I should all be working my way through the wrong men before I find the 'right one', or even the just 'he'll do' one. 

When I upload my Plenty of Fish profile again (as I inevitably will as I have been off it for a record 3 months and I'm getting bored of being a spinster), my tag line will be 'Unsuitiable men- please apply here...' 

I wonder what kind of dirty messages the little fishes could come up with? 

Stay tuned. I'm going to live the unsuitable men dating experience for real- who am I kidding? I've already been doing it for years, I'm a pro! 

Scarlett's blog 16.8.15

I'm sure you have already been told of my recent humiliation from Mother, but just in case you missed it- I had nits 

I must stress the HAD part, as I am happy to declare that I am now nit free. 

Not a nasty nit or egg has been sighted in days. Mind you it's a wonder that I have any hair left, the amount the Mother has been tugging at it. 

She cheered every time she pulled an egg out and seemed disappointed when she couldn't find any tonight. 

She could be on CSI (I know about that programme because I caught her dribbling all over one of the blokes the other week. I was bored at bedtime and sneaked up on her), she went through my hair one strand at a time. I hope I don't get them again because she seemed to revel in it too much. 

I'm not too sure how I got them in the first place. I don't usually play with girls when I'm out, the boys usually latch onto me, but this crafty little female showed me her Elsa top so I followed her around plotted how to steal it off her. 

The deceitful girl hugged me and gave me her friends. I'm not saying nits are sexist but, it's usually us females that bear the brunt of the mites. We can't just shave our hair off, we would look horrific! 

However, while having my hair ripped out a couple of days ago, I had a lightbulb moment regarding what I want to be when I'm older- I want be an actress. 

I told Mummy and she said she would look into some classes. I would have been waiting until I was 30 for her to pull her finger out, so I went to Grandma instead. She said the best way to start was to dance first and booked me in for ballet and tap next week, if I like it them Grandma said we will look at acting classes. I need flare Grandma said, so flare she will get. Sassy Scarlett will be born. 

I've explored other job options such as a vet but Mummy said that I shouldn't pursue that career as I stamped on a snail and laughed the other day. 

She also commented that I shouldn't work in the medical profession as slapping her bum and calling her fat does not qualify me as a doctor. 

So watch out for me, I'm coming to a screen near you soon...

That's me method acting, being a cow. 

I've got this acting malarkey down to a moo. 

Ban the talk on the ban on smoking in pub gardens...

Reading about the potential ban on smoking in pub gardens is making me want to puff away more furiously than ever before. 

In today's The Sun, Duncan Stephenson of The Royal Society for Public Health (RSPH) agreed that there should be a ban on smoking in beer gardens. 

His first paragraph states 'Smokers should vape and drink, not smoke and stink.' 

Vape? No, thanks. In August 2014 the World Health Organisation (WHO) recommended that e-cigarettes should be banned indoors because they omit chemicals potentially as dangerous as cigarettes and have a potential passive smoking risk. Fancy me vaping next to you now Mr Stephenson? 

Not enough research has been completed yet on the long term effects of vaping and e-cigarettes, so if its all the same to you, I'm going to carry on smoking my real disgusting cigarette outside in the pub garden - because that's where you pushed me out to in 2007. 

The RSPH '...want to see exclusion zones outside places where you can currently light up - such as pubs and bars, and schools and parks. The latter I agree with but if I want to go outside a bar for a cigarette at 1am and chat to some new friends, while all of the non-smokers are still dancing the night away, then what is the problem? 

Mr Stephenson also chirps 'Banning smoking outside these venues will also make smoking a cigarette less visible, and hopefully discourage young people from taking up the habit in the first place.' Does he not read anything other than his own bent views? More children than ever have been experimenting with e-cigarettes according to a survey by NetCen Social Research published in July 2015. 

Pubs suffered hugely when the indoor smoking ban was introduced in 2007 and still even now there are 29 pubs a week closing their nicotine stained doors. 

I agree with the indoor ban, I work in a pub and I remember how unpleasant it was when I was able to sit and smoke in a pub. After initially groaning at the thought of going outside to smoke, it did make me more social. 

Smoking areas are a great way to meet new friends, and men. Dating sites? No thanks, I'll just pop to my local and get chatting to a nice fella in the smoking area (unless he is a non smoker- if he is then why is he in my area?). 

There have been comments from people on various sites about this topic and smoking around food has come up a lot. 

If you are in an enclosed space and wish to eat your food without breathing in second hand smoke, then I suggest you go back inside. We graciously go outside to smoke in all weathers as you non smokers insisted, so let me enjoy my wine and ciggy in peace. 

I don't need you huffing and puffing (my second hand smoke), at me - if you go outside, then expect to seem me there with my packet of over-priced cigarettes, which I will light up as and when I please.  

Talking of which, I am currently sitting in the library next to an annoying child chattering away (not my own), about unicorns, ice cream and dog poo (Goodness knows what she is reading, but I think it should be banned). So now I am going to the pub next door, cigarettes in hand where the glorious pub garden awaits my smoky presence- and if you don't like it, stay inside.

'My children blight my marriage.'

The above headline is an article which was in the Daily Mail yesterday, which has left me with such anger and bitterness towards a woman that I didn't even know existed until yesterday. 

Basically, she is having a grumble that her kids have taken over her life and marriage. She has an 11 year old girl and 14 year old boy, hardly incapable of looking after themselves, but I'll take you through the article and you can make your own mind up.  

She begins by being peeved that her 11 year old gets into her bed after a bad dream - damn that little girl for wanting some affection from her Mother. 

She then says that she can't remember the last time she snuggled up to her husband or held his hand. I would say that it's her that needs to make a bit more effort then. She has a teenager and a pre teen so they are hardly demanding toddlers. She should go for a walk, pop the reigns which she has on her children into one hand and the other she can join with her husbands. Magic!

'The problem is our children are our constant companions.' Bloody flesh and blood getting in the way again and starting family rifts. Her children should be ashamed of themselves. Mind you, I am worried about them. Why are they not locked in their rooms screaming 'I hate you!' While listening to heavy metal?  She must be going wrong somewhere in this parenting malarkey. 

'Luke (her husband) and I have our own childhood issues- my husband's parents were died in a car crash when he was eight, while I went to boarding school from the age of 11. We want to stay close to our children.' But not too close as to block her from snuggling with her husband. Though, boarding school does seem like the best compromise if they are 'blighting' her marriage. 

'We love them hugely and my life would be incomplete without our children, but since we've had them, they have taken over our lives, sometimes to the detriment of our relationship.' I find it hard to believe that when this woman had the amazing miracle of pregnancy bestowed upon her, she didn't stop and think 'Ah, now I must think carefully about this. This is a life changing decision and this little pea will be peeing me off for the rest of my life. Do I really want this or should me and hubby just have fabulous holidays like we do now?' She discusses her holidays, pre-children, but I'm not going into it. It's pointless, they are a distant memory for her now and I don't want to upset her even more by reminding her about how much easier things were before she had her kids. 

'Our children spill over into all aspects of our lives...'

'Our philosophy is that we want them to feel secure and loved, so that they will grow into confident adults, but that's been at the expense of any dividing line between their world and ours.' Well I hope her children are unable to read, because if my Mother had written this, I would feel far from secure. I would feel like she had just pushed me off the top of a bridge without a harness to save me. 

Kate then carries on about only having a handful of nights away from her children. Again, I feel that looking at boarding school options may relieve her of this problem. 

'This isn't how I imagined my life with my husband to be.' I can picture her writing that scentence, fanning away the tears as her children chuckle away to themselves as they lay in her bed, after having 'bad dreams'. 

'Although now it's easier now that the children are older, it still feels as though they need constant care and attention.' Yes my dear, that is because (as you stated) they are CHILDREN. It's odd that they don't snap into adults the moment they turn ten. They should have moved out and got steady jobs by then surely? 

Her final paragraph...'Ideally, we would have three child-free days a month to remember that we are not just parents to out children, but a man and a woman in a loving relationship.' Parents don't get days off (unless you are a single parent, but as she wants more snuggles, I won't advise her to split up with him- though she would get her child free days), it seems as though this woman made a decision to have children which now with hind sight, may not have been the best option for her. 

She said she loved them in one paragraph and then groaned that they have taken over her life in another. What did she expect?! 

All I took from her 'article' is that she needs to talk to someone professional. She is not going to wake up one day and her children will be independent. I lean on my parents daily, as I expect my daughter to because I am her Mother and that is what I am there for. 

I am adopted, my parents were not lucky enough to be blessed with children of their own so they got me (they did look at boarding school options for a while but I promised to stop with the heavy metal music and they were fine). What about the parents who will never be able to have 'child-free days' because they have disabled children. At least one day her children will be independent, some parents have to accept the reality that their children will be living at home for the rest of their lives- be that of the child or the parents. 

Being a parent is for life, maybe she should have thought about that before snuggling her husband in the first place.

 

Cull the gulls...

Let me set the scene...

A lone woman walks through a busy town centre merrily munching her way through a sandwich, she can feel a presence from both above and behind but carrys on regardless. Then, without warning something pushes her from behind and a heavy webbed foot lands on her right shoulder. She turns her head and is greeted by menacing yellow eyes. A sharp beak snaps close to her sandwich holding hand, she screams and runs into the nearest bus shelter while shoveling the remains of her sandwich into her mouth. 

No, the above is not a scene from Alfred Hitchcock's new movie 'The Birds 2', the above is the real (ok, slightly embellished), truth. It happened to me a few weeks back, but that's not the only time I have nearly lost my finger/life to a manic seagull. 

I was having lunch outside a cafe 2 months ago (rookie mistake), when one of the little blighters flew down, grabbed my panini, then swallowed it in one unbelievable mouthful- all while giving me a webbed finger as I watched in disbelief. 

Then, 2 days ago I was walking down the road eating a baguette, when again I was swooped upon and nearly had my head taken off. 

I am not even exaggerating (much), seagulls have mutated from when I was younger. They are now almost human size and are taking over my town and they scare the absolute bejesus out of me. 

You take your life into your hands if you dare so much as to eat a smartie in front of one of them, and the pigeons are getting cockier too- but at least we can get out own back and eat them. 

Why are seagulls protected?! There's enough of them around for goodness sake. Think about all of the meat there is on one of them, they could feed a family of 4 for weeks. 

How about instead of a turkey for Christmas this year, we all eat seagull? 

There is pictures on the internet of them eating rabbits and sheep (ok, maybe not sheep- but it won't be long before they are big enough to eat them), and now they are attacking dogs and children. Something needs to be done. 

I'm not for animal violence, but I fear that if one gets too close to me I may punch it. Then he will get all of his mates on me and peck me to death. Though, saying that, I haven't punched a thing in my life (apart from the air when I'm doing one of my workout DVD's on January 1st, even then I do more damage to myself than the air), and if I did make contact with said giant bird, it probably wouldn't feel it. 

I'm going to work on my seagull based recipies to send to David Cameron and Masterchef, along with a bit of history... Henry VIII used to eat swans (I saw it in The Tudors, so it must be true), so who is going to miss a few seagulls from dive bombing everyone who walks out of Gregg's? 

And why do they have red on their beaks? Is it blood from their victims? 

It's happened...

After dodging the little blighters for nearly 6 years, it's happened. Scarlett has got nits. 

I just received a text from her Dad informing me of the above fact and also stating that I need to check my hair- great. 

Though what is great, is that he has her for the next 2 days so it will be a lovely Daddy, daughter, nit bonding time. 

The last time I had nits I was 19 and pregnant. I hugged some girl from school when I was out, I didn't particularly like her and I may or may not have made fun of her once and I have no idea why I hugged her- actually I believe It was called Kama, in nit form. 

It's so annoying that my phone keeps auto correcting nit to bit, it's like it's telling me that it doesn't want them either. 

My head is starting to itch and I don't know if it's because of phantom nits or actual ones. I best go check.....

10 minutes later....

I can't see any but that means nothing, my hair is practically black (with streaks of grey) but I'm going to buy some of that nit lotion pronto. 

It's not all bad news though- I'm going to be the new Bridget Jones...big pants included. 

I've been offered a journalism apprenticeship which I start next month. I'm beyond excited, but this does mean that it is time to grow up. 

I need to stop going out and acting like a teenager. I now have a lump on my left ankle the size of a tennis ball from going over in my ridiculous heels last night. I'm limping like an official old hag- Sexy, no wonder I'm a spinster. 

Right, I need to put some lotion on my hair, this itching is driving me mad. Oh, and to all of my friends reading this....sorry, you might want to check your hair :/