How to be English

'Do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being stifled by this dread of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone "Are you married ?" and hearing "My wife left me this morning," or saying "Do you have children?" and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday. You see, Wanda, we're all terrified of embarrassment.' - John Cleese, A Fish Called Wanda (1988) 

How to be English.....A rough guide. 

Find you accent- If you chose the South make sure you sound 'Posh.' Over accentuate you words and roll your Rrr's.  

Be terribly afraid of saying the wrong thing - So say nothing (you may be perceived of being stuck up but, see the quote above- he knows.) 

Know how to cue- Us Brits love a queue 'An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.' - George Mikes. 

Be Patriotic - On special occasions e.g. When the world cup is on/ when the Olympics is on/ When the Paralympics is on/ Royal Occasions such as weddings and christenings etc. 

Football IS NOT CALLED SOCCER! 

Watch at least one soap- Preferably Coronation Street or Eastenders. 

Moan about public transport- And the fact that it is always late! 

Every other country that doesn't drive on the left hand side of the road IS ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD! 

When your child grows up they WILL be a Doctor. 

Throw a dinner party- To act sophisticated and show off your 'best' china and glassware that usually only comes out, well never. 

Love tea- Everything can be cured with a cup of tea.

Get annoyed when your favourite TV show gets remade in America- I know you watch them when they do you traitor! 

Know a bit of slang- Gutted, Jammy, Mush. 

 Say 'I'm English' and be proud.